Something about love...

In the single’s LDS world we are so focused on eternal families that we often try to figure out whether or not someone is our future husband/wife in the first few dates.  For some reason I thought that was completely normal even though a serious boyfriend I had last year was back and forth where he was never sure, I was always insecure, and we never knew whether or not we were right for each other.  According to the subconscious belief that “the one” is out there and I would just know when it hit me, I should have never spent so much time (2 years) trying to figure things out.  Yet I stayed in with an iron resolution that our love could conquer all… Until we broke up because we just couldn't do it anymore.  I moved on by default because well, I just had to.

Running The Mormon Bachelor has been a really interesting and educational experience for me.  I watch people make very quick judgments in dating situations, think they know exactly what they want, and fall in love quickly.  They also fall out of love quickly when they realize that the person they are crazy about isn’t a good personality match, doesn’t have the same goals, or is just not the right fit.  This isn’t surprising since we are somewhat conditioned to figure things out very quickly.  If it doesn’t come together easily and quickly we think there must be something wrong. 

I have learned something about the process of falling in love through what I have seen with participants of The Mormon Bachelor/ette in past seasons.  You may fall head over heels for a person very quickly because you have unspoken chemistry, you think they are extremely attractive and it feels good when you kiss.  You may even have the occasional deep conversation, but most of what you talk about is how good you feel when you are with the other person and how you want to build a life with them.  They check all the boxes on your list of the perfect match for you – you are so excited for the future and have no doubt they are “the one”.  Then a funny thing happens – life settles in.  You get to know them better and all the sudden the love doesn’t seem to quite fill all the needs in your relationship.  Simple things like communicating, enduring the road bumps and finding joy in every day things becomes difficult.  Why?  I’m not sure I have all the answers but I think it’s mostly because you just don’t know them.  You verbally pledge your life away at the beginning because the butterflies are rampant but when those die down for a season you don’t know if you really want to hang around.  Butterflies aren’t a substitute for a concrete foundation of trust and loyalty.  They are awesome but they aren’t always meant to be a constant part of any relationship.

I have been accused of wanting every Bachelor/ette on our show to get married at the end of the show - no questions asked.  I’m not going to lie, if every season ended with an Aubrey and Matt I would be thrilled.  But more than anything I just want people to have fun, make good connections, and hopefully find the person with which they can start to build a foundation for a happy marriage and life. Fast love is fun for a season, but it can be filled with empty promises and checks that can’t be cashed unless you spend time getting to know the person that you love without worrying about the eternal future.  Go through the appropriate stages so that at the right time when you can start making decisions about marriage, you can do it knowing that you love the person for who they are, not because they fit your checklist on a first, second, third or even fifth date.

Through my own trial and errors in love and relationships I have learned that true love is the enduring kind.  I have been so blessed to have had many experiences of different kinds of love in my life and although it doesn’t always happen the way I intend, it has often been deep, true and has withstood the most difficult trials.  To me, that’s what love is all about and although there will still be road bumps along the way, at the end I hope that my husband and I will be grateful we have each other and know that we made it through the rough times, and we won’t ever give up.

After joining so many journey’s on the way to engagement and temple marriage, and after experiencing my own along the way I can honestly say that lasting relationships can be born out of any situation.  However, at some point, whether before or after marriage (if you do it fast-track style) you have to get the know the person and love them for who they are, completely.  Stick it out, remember that true love is a marathon, not a sprint (I hate it when people say that but have learned it is so true), and apply to date Kent on The Mormon Bachelor – shameless plug I KNOW!!!  True love is only a season of TMB away – and then some time to get to know each otherJ!